March 28, 2010

I married a gamer…

So you have been married a few months… and noticed that slowly your husband or in some cases wife is now slowly reverting back to their bachelor or baccalaureate self and gaming… all the time.  To you, gaming is a complete waste of time, you feel that they could be using that spare time to go out and decorate the house, go shopping, go on a date or just go better yourself in some way, shape or form.   I’m writing about this because I’m one of those gamers.  I knew before I got married that my soul mate had absolutely no interest in video games.  In fact we are opposites in most regards except for religious beliefs.  These things can lead to challenges in your marriage and make it infinitely more complex.   Now am I an expert on psychology?  Relationships?  Sex?  Do I have a PHD with 10,000 published works?  No, I definitely do not.  What I am is a married man, who lives in this situation so I am going to give you my opinion from that vantage point and I think that gives me some authority on the subject.

One of the things that really helps make a marriage work is common interest, doing things together that are fun and exciting.   What tends to happens is we get into a lull of doing the things we did when we were single.  For me that has always been playing Video games in my spare time and for my wife that was traveling around the world.  The problem is that I can always play video games because I have all the things I need for that right here in my own home.  Once we got married my wife was no longer was able to just travel around and visit new countries.  So you really have three options in this situation.  One you can get a divorce… this won’t really solve anything because all this does is point out that you can’t resolve conflict.  Marriage is one big conflict resolution.    If you are able to resolve something like this you are more likely to strive through as a couple.  Second thing you can do is to choose to ignore the situation and just continue on being upset inside but yet never solving the problem.  I don’t recommend going down this path either.  While you may avoid the problem it’s eventually going to come out and the result will be far worse than if you had just talked about it in the beginning.  Bottling things up affects more than just the immediate problem, it also affects you daily life, sex drive and your overall mood.  The third option and much more preferable, is to sit down and discuss a resolution to the issue at hand.  I’ve jokingly said that marriage is just like politics, it’s a series of never ending negotiations, treaties and compromises that are ever changing.  While this may sound funny there is quite a bit of truth to it.

So what is the solution?  This entirely depends on the couple.  We are going to use the classic example of the male gamer.  Chances are your husband does not think he’s wasting time.  If he is like me he probably fulfills all his “household chores” and gets everything done that he needs to get done.  But when he’s done he just goes straight to the computer, Xbox, PS3 or Wii to play games.  He probably stays there till the end of the night maybe an hour before bed comes upstairs, wants some loving before he goes to bed and then afterword’s goes to sleep.  Rinse and Repeat.   This leaves you, the wife, feel unattended, alone and used in some cases.  In this particular case what simply needs to happen is a rearrangement of time.  Now before you go off and start setting restrictions on your husband/wife please read on.  I don’t recommend that you just go and set boundaries.  “You may play 1 hour a night then you must get off” approach will most likely fall on deaf, defensive ears.  What you should do, and need to do, is go and sit down with your husband and tell him how you are feeling.  Explain that you DON’T have a problem with him playing but that you need emotional fulfillment.

What my wife and I did was to just go somewhere straight after work, there were to many distractions at home so instead of going home we would just go to a coffee shop, store, whatever it may be before you go home and just talk.  We spend a couple hours at the end of the work day outside of the home and go out and look things, dream, talk, etc.  Once we get home we go off to our domains which for me is gaming and for her is HGTV or whatever not 😛  Another thing I might suggest is trying the hobbies of your spouse’s interest EVEN IF YOU DON’T LIKE THEM!  Sit down and play some games with your husband, even if you think it’s the dumbest thing in the world, or if you suck terribly.  He doesn’t care, all he cares is that you are doing something with that he likes.   Even if it’s only for one evening a week you will make his day and I promise you the next day he will be at work bragging about you until the ends of the earth.   This has to go both ways however, when your wife asks you to go out to pier one, Bed Bath and Beyond, or do arts and crafts with her you HAVE to sit down and do it and you need to at least look interested and not be whining about it the entire time.  You can’t expect your wife to spend time with your hobby if don’t with hers and you the wife can’t expect your husband to spend time doing your favorite things if you don’t try his.

Is there a one size fits all solution?  No, there isn’t, but you can come to one that meets the demands of your relationship.  Unless your one of those rare couples who both enjoys sitting down and blowing away zombies, squad based combat or otherwise venturing into Middle Earth together, you are going to have to come to some sort of arrangement that will leave you both feeling fulfilled.  The “My way or the Highway” mentality will not work…period.   You have to sit down, talk, and come to resolution.  There are cases however where would seek help.  If your spouse gets physically violent or verbally abusive when you ask him to spend time with you.  You may have some other underlying issues that need to be resolved.  In this case I would HIGHLY recommend seeing a professional marriage counselor.

This article is not meant to solve world hunger, bring world peace or solve everyone else’s problems.  But if I can help save or enhance even one couples marriage then it was worth the time it took to write it.  If you liked it please refer to a friend or family member.

14 comments

  1. Bartholomew P. Skibbenheims III - May 1, 2011 8:47 pm

    While not married I have dating my fair share of women including one I actually met playing CSS … it is great and all, but at the same time it has to be something you really want. I think a lot of people dive into relationships and get hitched when they aren’t really ready for it … If having to schedule around “wife agro” is a serious problem, not just a joke, then I am not sure the whole getting hitched thing is for you.

    Reply
  2. T8 - January 19, 2011 11:04 am

    I agree with soundman 100 percent. Family comes before anything else. You must be in it for all the right reasons to tolerate it so long. Professional help, although frowned upon as a way out, seems like the best solution. Ive seen people addicted to games and its as crippling as any other addiction.

    Reply
  3. thsoundman - January 18, 2011 12:37 am

    If you are for real with what you are saying your husband definately has an addiciton that needs to be addressed this goes way past the point of a hobby if he is neglecting your/his children. I would seriously recommend that you get into counseling with him and try to resolve it. If he’s not paying bills thats a huge deal. What camp does he work at? Sounds like he’s trying to escape whatever his obligations are. All the same if your marriage is in peril then you need to seek professional help. If professional help doesn’t work then you should do what is best for you and your daughters. Hope that helps… we are always here if you need a place to vent.

    Reply
  4. Neglected wife - January 17, 2011 10:28 pm

    My husband has been addicted to gaming since 2001… Our marriage has been a struggle ever since. We have 3 daughters and he works out of town in camp so we only see him a week or two out of a month if were lucky and he rarely gets off the computer to shower let alone be apart of the family. I find that since he has been working in camp (4 yrs) it’s getting harder to accept and also seeing the amount of $ he puts into it onhis paypal account that I wasn’t even aware of. We have unpaid bills and he thinks nothing of paying $300.00 for a character on his game 🙁 I’m not sure how muchore I can take. We have been together 20 yrs but the last 10 yrs of our relationship have been spent apart. He works in camp and games PERIOD. He has Internet in camp so you think he would get all his gaming in while in camp but that’s not the case at all…. I would not mind AT ALL if he spent a resonanle amount of time on the computer but I work all day he games all day then comes up stairs to sleep till supper then straight back down stairs again alot of times he will just eat in the computer room aswell. I have tryed to approach it all different ways and it doesn’t seem to matter he feels he works and that’s enough as a husband and father. The rest of his time is spent gaming 🙁 I had refused to let something like this pull this family apart but what I hadn’t realized is it already has.

    Reply
  5. ZarikX - July 10, 2010 4:54 pm

    First game I try to introduce a gameless girl to, Smash Brothers. It usually goes well. Also Mario Kart usually is fun, (the 64 one if you have it) along with a fighting game or 2. Something you can play together, has a better chance of bringing you together. Don’t just go crazy and kick her ass each time over though. Play with at her level so you can let her enjoy herself, and not let her get discouraged and quit too quickly.

    Reply
  6. thsoundman - May 13, 2010 9:03 pm

    Glad you liked it….

    Reply
  7. Getting An Ex Back - May 13, 2010 5:34 pm

    Well this is very fascinating indeed.Would love to read just a little more of this. Excellent publish. Many thanks for the heads-up. This blog was really informative and knowledgable.

    Reply
  8. AiR - April 18, 2010 7:28 pm

    umm stay single kids.

    Reply
  9. thsoundman - April 9, 2010 6:48 pm

    On the flip side alot of men abandon their wives and then when their wives get mad they can’t understand why. It’s all about spending the proper time in the proper places and then on top of it doing things with your spouse that actually make them feel accepted and this has to go both ways.

    Reply
  10. DeathProof - April 9, 2010 2:47 pm

    Yea, its sad that some women completely reject something their husbands enjoys. It really is all about compromise, of course it won’t work to if the “gamer” demands always to game and ignores his “significant other”. Problems for sure. But if both ppl are willing to make it work, nice compromises can be worked out 🙂

    Reply
  11. Steele - April 8, 2010 12:55 pm

    My wife and I met in 1999, during the Phase4 beta of Everquest… we married in 2002. I’ve been fortunate to have some awesome shared interests with her, and I hear alot from friends and fellow gamers about the relationship challenges they have with their non-gamer Better Half. Even speaking more generally (outside of the gaming universe), people need to remember that “love is a choice”. Both individuals need to reach out to each other on a regular basis, to do things the other person enjoys; you’ll both feel more taken care of, and that’s HUGE for maintaining a healthy long-term relationship. Thanks for voicing this for the gamer community!

    Reply
  12. thsoundman - April 8, 2010 11:52 am

    I’ve always enjoyed shooting zombies. No my wife tends to be into games like dream day, diner dash, diner dash 2, bejeweled, etc.

    Reply
  13. PimpmasterF - April 3, 2010 8:20 pm

    Its funny that you mention blowing away zombies with your wife cuz Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles is one of my wifes favorite games. She couldnt wait to get home and “shoot zombies”. but its true you have to compromise or its all a crapshoot that goes to hell.

    Reply
  14. Anonymous - March 30, 2010 2:31 pm

    This is good advice from a person who has received a lot of it. I should know. I’m his dad.

    Reply

Have your say

Archives - Powered by WordPress - A theme by cssigniter.com