January 7, 2011
Send this user to be de-rezed….
I loathe user reviews. I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate them. Watching some idiot put up a review that goes “I luves this game iT’s wicked awsome, lets blow up some n$$bs”, is enough for me to break all my games and slowly gouge my eyes with the pieces while listening to Lady Gaga, all while looking like a hipster and slowly tearing off my tattoo with a cheese grater. Pull out the soap box and stay clear because I may spit on this one.
Working in retail for the past 4 years has taught me that society as a whole is brainless. Everyone thinks that their opinion matters and if one person hears another talk about how much they like something, that automatically makes them an expert on the subject. I dread consumer reports and the thought of people talking the time to even compile that information into a monthly magazine makes me sick. The internet has become a breeding ground for the anonymous to become instant experts on whatever subject they see fit.
My huge mouth stays shut on subjects that I don’t have a profound amount of knowledge on. I don’t work out. The most exercise I get comes from one of two places; standing in front of my T.V. with Kinect and Kinect Sports, or walking my dog. If someone asked my opinion on exercise equipment or what diet they should be on, I would reply with “I don’t know” or “You could ask an expert”. See was that really that hard? If someone asked my opinion on the video game crash of 1983 or if Call of Duty Black Ops had the worst voice acting of the year, I could answer them with a reasonable and intelligent answer.
I was looking up the availability of some DS games at work; due to the weather and time of year I have a lot of down time at work, hence this article, and came across some interesting user reviews. Super Mario 64 DS had one where someone pointed out the game was boring, hard, and never got why it was praised so highly. There’s a solution to your problem user! Take your DS and return it! If you have a problem with the seminal Mario title that ushered in the era of analog control, please return everything and go pick up a great issue of Consumer Reprorts. Another example was with Super Scribblenauts. The comments made were again boring, and didn’t know why everyone loved the game so much. The tech alone is impressive, write anything and it comes to life, now with adjectives! You determine how creative you are at solving the games puzzles, I can use a pink shot gun to take down a zombie then fly into the air with my polka dotted jetpack to reach the starite, and that’s just one of the thousand ways to solve puzzles in that game and you don’t know why it’s popular? Sell the game, your DS and go take an art class and learn to be creative.
One last example is for a game I hate with the passion of a thousand suns, Just Dance. It is not a game of any sorts just an instructional video with an interface and the mindless drones love this dribble. Looking at the case makes me want to stroke out and convulse on the floor. 46 user reviews and it holds a 4 out of 5. IGN blasted it and gave it 2 out of 10 and is one of the few publications to touch the game and I use that term loosely. I will put on some really crappy dance music, a strobe light and watch you dance badly for less than 40 dollars. How could this game hold anyone’s attention or be entertaining for that matter? Someone even had the gull to write it was the best dance game ever, really? Ever play a little game called Dance Central or one of the thousand DDR iterations? Guess not, that’s why your IQ is the same number as my shoe size.
The internet is full of self proclaimed experts that need their opinion broadcasted on every site known to man, and I am just sick of it. There is a reason some of us get paid for our opinions, because we know what we are talking about, our lives are dedicated to the subject. So pray to the internet god’s and hope the user report will be abolished. Now back to work and playing Super Scribblenauts.
Editor’s note – Went to go see Tron Legacy again on Sunday, hearing the sounds of the arcade machines made a tears come to my eyes. Oh and the movie is good too.