January 7, 2011

Send this user to be de-rezed….

I loathe user reviews. I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate them. Watching some idiot put up a review that goes “I luves this game iT’s wicked awsome, lets blow up some n$$bs”, is enough for me to break all my games and slowly gouge my eyes with the pieces while listening to Lady Gaga, all while looking like a hipster and slowly tearing off my tattoo with a cheese grater. Pull out the soap box and stay clear because I may spit on this one.

Working in retail for the past 4 years has taught me that society as a whole is brainless. Everyone thinks that their opinion matters and if one person hears another talk about how much they like something, that automatically makes them an expert on the subject. I dread consumer reports and the thought of people talking the time to even compile that information into a monthly magazine makes me sick. The internet has become a breeding ground for the anonymous to become instant experts on whatever subject they see fit.

My huge mouth stays shut on subjects that I don’t have a profound amount of knowledge on. I don’t work out. The most exercise I get comes from one of two places; standing in front of my T.V. with Kinect and Kinect Sports, or walking my dog. If someone asked my opinion on exercise equipment or what diet they should be on, I would reply with “I don’t know” or “You could ask an expert”. See was that really that hard? If someone asked my opinion on the video game crash of 1983 or if Call of Duty Black Ops had the worst voice acting of the year, I could answer them with a reasonable and intelligent answer.

I was looking up the availability of some DS games at work; due to the weather and time of year I have a lot of down time at work, hence this article, and came across some interesting user reviews. Super Mario 64 DS had one where someone pointed out the game was boring, hard, and never got why it was praised so highly. There’s a solution to your problem user! Take your DS and return it! If you have a problem with the seminal Mario title that ushered in the era of analog control, please return everything and go pick up a great issue of Consumer Reprorts. Another example was with Super Scribblenauts. The comments made were again boring, and didn’t know why everyone loved the game so much. The tech alone is impressive, write anything and it comes to life, now with adjectives! You determine how creative you are at solving the games puzzles, I can use a pink shot gun to take down a zombie then fly into the air with my polka dotted jetpack to reach the starite, and that’s just one of the thousand ways to solve puzzles in that game and you don’t know why it’s popular? Sell the game, your DS and go take an art class and learn to be creative.

One last example is for a game I hate with the passion of a thousand suns, Just Dance. It is not a game of any sorts just an instructional video with an interface and the mindless drones love this dribble. Looking at the case makes me want to stroke out and convulse on the floor. 46 user reviews and it holds a 4 out of 5. IGN blasted it and gave it 2 out of 10 and is one of the few publications to touch the game and I use that term loosely. I will put on some really crappy dance music, a strobe light and watch you dance badly for less than 40 dollars. How could this game hold anyone’s attention or be entertaining for that matter? Someone even had the gull to write it was the best dance game ever, really? Ever play a little game called Dance Central or one of the thousand DDR iterations? Guess not, that’s why your IQ is the same number as my shoe size.

The internet is full of self proclaimed experts that need their opinion broadcasted on every site known to man, and I am just sick of it. There is a reason some of us get paid for our opinions, because we know what we are talking about, our lives are dedicated to the subject. So pray to the internet god’s and hope the user report will be abolished. Now back to work and playing Super Scribblenauts.

Editor’s note – Went to go see Tron Legacy again on Sunday, hearing the sounds of the arcade machines made a tears come to my eyes. Oh and the movie is good too.


  1. ScrotusKilmystr - January 11, 2011 7:59 pm

    nades.. shouldn’t it be dont’t ask the question if you only want to hear the answer you want to hear?!! anyhoo I guess I’m on both sides becasue I work in IT and work retail for “FUN” But back when I was just new to this whole PC thing some of my favorite things to hears was “I’m not sure about this mouse thing” or on the retail side “which is better: Halo or who want’s to be a millionare for the wii” or better yet” do you guys have Gears of War for the wii?” alittle research goes a long way!….

    great words Cabbie!

  2. AceOfNades69 - January 11, 2011 5:15 pm

    I completely agree. Working in gaming retail myself I too was exposed to the idiocy, especially during the holiday season. Answering questions and helping people understand what they are buying is one thing, but people who refuse your logic because they believe they are all knowing just makes me want to punch infants. Do the research people! Don’t ask questions if you know the answers.

  3. thsoundman - January 11, 2011 9:09 am

    Welcome to the site Mac! You should elaborate on the person you work with 😛

  4. MacAttack42o - January 10, 2011 10:40 pm

    Excellent article. I must say as I started reading this, someone we work with instantly came to mind and I couldn’t help but laugh. Another great article cab. Keep em coming, enjoying the crap outta them

  5. PimpmasterF - January 8, 2011 8:58 pm

    LOL, I feel your pain, looking over reviews to see what may or may not be worth the money just isnt effective anymore, and i think the problem lies with the fact that people are just getting dumber and dumber, noone can appreciate anything anymore and if a game is complex, artful and requires more than that of a trigger pull is instantly slashed from many peoples line up. Not everyone is like this of course but i feel the majority of the masses are simply to dull to appreciate a good thought inducing souce of entertainment. And Brad and T8, i know what you mean, Im no expert and Im not IT by trade, however ive been building PC’s and researching tech that interests me since college and I see what you describe everywhere, there has been more than once that Ive overheard a salesman giving “helpful” advice and product descriptions and its all i can do to not interupt the conversation and simply say “FAIL”. They count on the people that dont know any better than to think that they have to spend $100 when they can spend $40 for the same result. Ive even been told that I need something that costs double than what ive got in hand or ill be gambling with whatever it is im buying. unfortunately for them i research my shit before i give out what little money i have for it. K well I gotta be done or ill never leave work. Kudos to the rant starter, LMAO!

  6. krazy - January 8, 2011 2:34 pm

    I work in retail too. I know exactly what you’re talking about, but I have something positive that comes from my experience: I feel like it’s Thanksgiving every time I work there. Why? Because I can truly appreciate what I was born with and I feel sorry every day for people like that.

  7. Bartholomew P. Skibbenheims III - January 8, 2011 1:32 pm

    LOL! That was quite the rant althought alot of truth to it. I personally think everyone at one time or another spouts something as if they are knowledgable when they arent. I think its just people and this competative disorder many of us have. We want to be the best at everything. Unfortunately the internet gives people who spout misinformation a forum to speak on, no identiy, and no repercussion, and no accountability. Thus a lot of people leave believeing the drivel they read.

  8. T8 - January 8, 2011 1:19 pm


    Granted im no video game expert ( the only truly good FPS to ever come to the gaming scene was CS:S ). That being said, i share your pain. Brad and i both work in the IT industry and time after time we feel we have to explain our methods to someone who will retain ZERO of what we said, but act as if they are on the same page.

    But on the other hand i am going to defend Just Dance a bit. Everyone sees a good time in a different light. I personally dont like it because it boasts of sophisticated dance moves, but in actuality all you have to do is flail the Wii remote and you will pass every dance. That being said, there are those who actually ENJOY learning the dances and trying to master them correctly, and this game (if you wanna call it that ) is just a means to an end.

    Dont gouge your eyes out, ull have a hell of a time looking over your reviews 🙂

    another well written article CAB

  9. thsoundman - January 8, 2011 12:52 pm

    LOL i run into this all the time. However, it’s not with games, it’s with electronics. I consider myself fairly up to date on technology and if I don’t understand something I either go research it for myself or I contact one of my few contacts who are 10 times smarter then I will ever be.

    Case in point is Best Buy. I’m a Network Consultant by trade and I understand to a T how routers work. I go to Best Buy and I have a little fun with the tech. I ask him which one of these routers will work better with the internet. He immediately points me to the most expensive router on the shelf, which is over priced at $170, and he immediately begins spouting how it’s awesome bacause it is 300mb wireless. I then asked him *I always do this cause every sales me says it*, “Do you have this at home” and of course he replies is a “YES!!! It’s Awesome!”
    I look at him and say… you know that a average internet connection is only 10 meg down/1 up… that means that even if the router was only 10/10mb up/down that it wouldn’t perform any differently.

    Your statement that the majority of people as a whole are mindless rings ever true. I’ve run into so many people who have no clue about the technology that they are using and are completly oblivios to what they are doing… all they know is that it works. This is probably one of the reasons games like Myst aren’t around anymore… no one can stand to use their minds to make intelligent decisions or make coherrant thought processes… end rant.


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